Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Save the Sea Kittens!

Advertising Jingle: Ask any mermaid you happen to see. What’s the best kitten? Kitten of the Sea!

I thought I would die! I had just taken a sip of coffee, when PETA’s latest act of insanity appeared on my computer’s monitor. I was seized by the uproarious absurdity, and nearly drowned as I sucked coffee into my lungs. Luckily, the coffee promptly exited my nose when I fell from my chair, racked with spasms of hoarse laughter.

It seems PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has decided to re-brand fish as “Sea Kittens”... FISH!

Throughout their Save the Sea Kittens website, you’ll find information on threats to the welfare of these cute and cuddly creatures. There’s even a prepared email that you can forward to the director of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, to give him a good scolding. The email includes a helpful quote from a scientific advisor to the British government (impressive).

At Save the Sea Kittens, you can create your own animated Sea Kitten from a choice of trout, salmon, tuna or flounder. (I’m not sure why catfish aren’t offered as an option) While creating your Sea Kitten the website plays eerie music that is no doubt filled with subliminal messages about how you should despise your Grandpa – a barbaric human for his regular assault on the pain receptors in the mouths of fish.

The website also has a library of Sea Kitten Stories – tales you can read to the little ones as they snuggle with their pet Sea Kitten at bedtime. Of course, things won’t be so cozy in the morning. It gives new meaning to the phrase, “Sleep with the fishes.” It’s a good thing now!

In one of these stories we have Tony the Trout – litter trained in two months (litter trained?) and honors graduate with a double major. Tony is caught (no doubt by your mean, mean, Grandpa) and fed to a child whose mercury poisoned mind is wasted at an early age. Message: Just say No to Trout.

The most disturbing of the four stories is Sally and the Land Kittens. This frightening tale begins with Sea Kittens chasing balls of yarn (under water!) and goes on to tell how Sally goes insane and plots revenge against the much-better-off Land Kittens. The story is accompanied by artwork showing a Land Kitten that has been baked into a soufflĂ©. (I ask you – is this ethical treatment?)

PETA even has a Fish Empathy Quilt – no doubt destined to be displayed at locations across the country, where people will slowly walk past the quilt, weeping silently for the plight of filleted flounders.

You can purchase Save the Sea Kitten merchandise, too! There’s T-shirts, buttons, totes and mugs. I’ve got to have one of the mugs – it’ll be great to start each day with a mug of coffee and a good laugh. I wish they offered a large glass tumbler – it would make an attractive and ornamental home for my goldfish, Ricochet.

PETA has taken their lunacy to new heights. Fish are not lap pets. They’re scaly... slimy... and when prepared correctly... lunchy. Young fish are psychologically preconditioned for their fate – that’s why we call them fry. As a matter of fact, that’s exactly how I like my Sea Kittens – fried.

Next time you’re feeling down and need a good laugh, I urge you to visit the Save the Sea Kitten website at: http://www.peta.org/sea_kittens/index.asp

While there, check out “Sea Kitten Facts”. You may want to take these “facts” with a grain of salt… or a shot of salt water. Strike that! It’s best not to consume beverages when you visit this website – you could drown and end up “Sleeping with the Sea Kittens.”

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