Friday, September 25, 2009

Swine Flu Facts

I rolled out of bed and walked to the kitchen to start the coffee. As I walked, my knee made a strange clacking noise. In the past, I've popped, creaked and crackled, even squeaked—but I have never clacked.

As I shook off the morning groggies, I noticed I was feeling a little woozy. Achy, too… and hot.

“Great!” I thought, “I must be coming down with something!” It was then that I was jolted by the most terrifying thought: Swine flu!

I made a clacking-dash to the computer; to learn as much as I could about this malady, since I had totally ignored the glut of information to date. What would happen to me? What could I do? Could I continue to free-range, or must I confine myself to bed? Thank goodness for the internet!

What I sought was a quick and easy answer to my questions. Something like: “Eat a hearty breakfast that's high in saturated fats, with plenty of beer—beer is good for swine flu!" Instead, I found page after page of conflicting information—it was confusing!

In order to spare others the uncertainty and fright that I experienced, I’ve organized what I learned into five basic facts. This is all one needs to know about swine flu.

Fact #1 – You can’t catch swine flu from pigs. Oh sure, it’s suspected that the very first case came as a result of an indiscretion by a Mexican hog vaquero and one of his wards, but there was a chicken involved, too. Again, this is only speculation, but unless you’re planning to participate in similar deviant behavior—don’t worry about catching swine flu.

Fact # 2 – The same goes for pork products. The virus travels by air. Well, actually, it’s sneeze blasts, snot, spew, spittle and phlegm—but not pork. The sweaty fat guy that brushed against you as he exited the elevator doesn’t count.

Fact #3 – Swine flu is a misnomer. The flu has nothing to do with hogs. It was originally identified as a normal, seasonal flu by a researcher who also happens to sit on the Cattlemen’s Beef Board. This researcher remembered, all to well, the renegades from the National Hog Farmers Convention of 1986.

These were a handful of guys who, perhaps, had one too many, and in a fit of farm-humor got a couple of cows drunk. Their mistake, really, was in taking video of the results, and releasing the footage to the local television station.

Again, it was supposed to be a joke when they told the news people that the cows were afflicted with a recently discovered disease called Mad Cow. They should have realized that news people are uncommonly gullible, and will repeat just about anything you tell them, verbatim.

Anyway, this researcher remembered the trouble the hog farmers’ little stunt had caused, and decided to exact revenge by calling this year’s seasonal flu: Swine Flu.

Fact #4 – Being reviewed for accuracy.

Fact #5 – Experts disagree on what vaccine to use, or how the vaccine should eventually be administered. Recent research indicates that inhalers show some promise. It’s hoped that one or two snorts will do the trick.

For now, if you long for the stabbing pain of a vaccination needle, have a desire to gamble your future health in the name of unknown side effects, or are really, really lonely—go get a flu shot. Otherwise? Forget it.

That’s what I grunt did, and I’m squeeeel fine!


King of New York Hacks said...

Reeeeeeeee too. I mean ME too. Just got caught up in the pig moment. Apologies. LOL

Oh My Goddess said...

I'm sure it's nothing. Just take two of anything and see what happens in the morning.

Theresa said...

Thanks for stopping by my place. I'm glad I stopped by yours. I think I'll like it here. Funny post!!

Carl Vine said...

King of New York Hacks, take the advice of Oh My Goddess, and call me in the morning.

Theresa, stop by anytime. I generally post a new piece every week or so, but things things in the side bar are ever-changing. Check out some of my Featured Funny posts, or wander wherever you want. Please let me know if you find my other green sock.

DK @ Knucklehead! said...

Hey Carl. Saw that you popped in on my place so I figured I'd stop by. Hilarious stuff . . . consider me among your followers.

And yeah, I always thought that "swine flu" was a crock of OINK.

Carl Vine said...

Thanks DK... see ya around!

Sass said...

Good stuff. And I genuinely hope a clack isn't a sign of the swine.

Would a cluck be a sign of bird flu?

Yeah...that was just bad.

Thanks for following, I'm returning the favor. ;)

Nej said...

" or two snorts will do the trick."


Sue Houghton said...

My daughter was diagnosed with swine flu last week. First doc prescribed Tamiflu and then her GP said not to take it but 'ride it out with rest, lots of liquids and paracetamol'. She did the latter and recovered after a week ;0)

Faith said...

What's the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu? For Bird Flu you need tweetment. For Swine Flu you just need Oinkment!

Groundhogs Rock!

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