Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Tax Assistance

Pointless Disclaimer: The author of these instructions is not a Certified Public Accountant, an agent of the IRS, or an author. Anything taken as the truth must be returned immediately, and the offending party should remove one shoe and repeat the phrase: “Shame, shame, shame on me” until a passerby drops a green button into the shoe.

SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS FOR COMPLETING ANY TAX FORM

Assemble the counterfeit documents that you have fabricated for this purpose.

Choose a work place that is hidden from possible witness to your impending fraud. This may be your kitchen table if it faces east, but it is better to work in a dark room or behind your back.

Dress comfortably. You are going to be at this awhile, and there is likely to be a good deal of thrashing about and cursing. It is an established fact that one curses best when one is dressed comfortably.

Select a blank tax form, any form will do—a bonus deduction will be allowed if the form is printed in Braille or Morse code. Position the form, with your counterfeit documents, in a precise arc or in three horizontal columns. Failure to select the correct configuration for your paperwork shall result in significant penalties, which will be disguised as more of those enigmatic fees in your monthly utility bills.

Enter your name in the box labeled: Name

At this point, it is recommended you take a break. Get some exercise to stimulate the circulation and to clear your muddled head. Walking makes for good exercise—a brisk march to the local pub may suggest opportunity for further stimulation.

You should now be ready to address the business at hand... but first take a nap. This ought to be done somewhere other than the pub.

Once you have risen and are feeling well rested, though perhaps a bit fuzzy, seek advice from any of the following (and only legitimate) tax authorities: psychic, witch doctor, prophet, sorcerer, guinea pig farmer and if available in your area, man behind the curtain. It is also recommended that you consult a cabbie... or your barber if it is Wednesday.

IMPORTANT! Do not contact the IRS for assistance in completing your tax form—they won’t disclose the answers until you have turned in your test, and contacting them will only draw attention to your flimsy documentation (Honestly, your left-handed script isn’t fooling anyone).

Once the appropriate professional advice has been secured and all of the spaces on your tax form have been penned with legible zeros, take another break. By now you should have come to realize that according to the United States Internal Revenue Code, Catch-22 of Paradox 666 it is impossible to complete any tax form.

Staple your documentation to the form, in triplicate, and bury this packet (now evidence) at the foot of a gingko tree. Tomorrow morning—move to another country, change your name, alter your physical appearance, and choose a new line of work. It’s the simplest thing, really.

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