Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Convoluted Corporation, Inc.


To: All Company Associates
From: Mr. Throckmorton, Vice President of Communications
CC: Vendor Groups
Date: 10/5/2009
Re: Modeling the capture of strategic platform strategies.

I want to touch base regarding our collateral matrix of costs and their relevance to our ongoing operations. I’ll keep this short and make it as clear as possible, in order that you might begin immediately to develop cross-functional profiles to carry out the objectives of this evolving mandate.

The economy has offered a critical challenge in recent months. Forecasts suggest continued movement into negative territory before evidence of a measurable turnaround will begin to yield effective results. Moving forward, it will be particularly important that each of us step up to the plate and give 110% effort in leveraging our negative risk opportunities for a win-win outcome.

This is not rocket science folks! If every one of us commits to pushing the envelope and thinking outside the box, at the end of the day we will drill down to our base demographic to re-initiate a balanced logistics matrix.

We all know there is plenty of low-hanging fruit out there. Going forward, it will be required that everyone accentuate their forward planning initiatives and keep this shifting paradigm on their radar.

I know I can count on you for the development of a plan to re-facilitate the primary filter-down parameters and deliver on the core objective profile (as outlined above).

I'll expect your report by end of day, Wednesday.


Thaddeus Throckmorton III


Knucklehead said...

There's something inherently funny about the names Throckmorton, Festrunk, and Terwilliger. Don't know why, just know that it is.

Loved the letter. I'm ready to enter a paradigm shift and build a better tomorrow.

Theresa said...

Huh? I had to read that very slowly to even understand some of the words, let alone understand what they were supposed to mean.

I'm tired now. Must sleep...

Deb said...

"Low-hanging fruit"? I work with a fruit but I don't know if he hangs low. He speaks high and is always on his toes though.

Carl Vine said...

Knucklehead: It's true. I saw the name Emory Throckmorton in a phonebook (remember phonebooks?) some years ago. Still chuckle when I hear the name.

Theresa: I hope your horizontal recalibration helped to facilitate the functionality of your synapses repository.

Deb: You're just bad! Funny, but bad!

Anonymous said...

So is this what big wig execs write all day?


Now wonder we're in an economic mess!

Can I say I love your funny photos with the title: Not Carl Vine!


Ocean Girl said...

When I started my first work as a young engineer, I was taught to use "I would like to touch base" as an opener in my follow-up phonecalls to customers.

Grumpy, M.D. said...

That's great. Perfect corporate speak.

Reminds me why I'm in solo practice. I was sick of memos from Neurology, Inc. management like that.

Carl Vine said...

Grumpy, M.D. - you may also enjoy:

Side Effects


Invasive Exams

Related Posts with Thumbnails