Swine Flu Facts

I rolled out of bed and walked to the kitchen to start the coffee. As I walked, my knee made a strange clacking noise. In the past, I've popped, creaked and crackled, even squeaked—but I have never clacked.

As I shook off the morning groggies, I noticed I was feeling a little woozy. Achy, too… and hot.

“Great!” I thought, “I must be coming down with something!” It was then that I was jolted by the most terrifying thought: Swine flu!

I made a clacking-dash to the computer; to learn as much as I could about this malady, since I had totally ignored the glut of information to date. What would happen to me? What could I do? Could I continue to free-range, or must I confine myself to bed? Thank goodness for the internet!

What I sought was a quick and easy answer to my questions. Something like: “Eat a hearty breakfast that's high in saturated fats, with plenty of beer—beer is good for swine flu!" Instead, I found page after page of conflicting information—it was confusing!

In order to spare others the uncertainty and fright that I experienced, I’ve organized what I learned into five basic facts. This is all one needs to know about swine flu.

Fact #1 – You can’t catch swine flu from pigs. Oh sure, it’s suspected that the very first case came as a result of an indiscretion by a Mexican hog vaquero and one of his wards, but there was a chicken involved, too. Again, this is only speculation, but unless you’re planning to participate in similar deviant behavior—don’t worry about catching swine flu.

Fact # 2 – The same goes for pork products. The virus travels by air. Well, actually, it’s sneeze blasts, snot, spew, spittle and phlegm—but not pork. The sweaty fat guy that brushed against you as he exited the elevator doesn’t count.

Fact #3 – Swine flu is a misnomer. The flu has nothing to do with hogs. It was originally identified as a normal, seasonal flu by a researcher who also happens to sit on the Cattlemen’s Beef Board. This researcher remembered, all to well, the renegades from the National Hog Farmers Convention of 1986.

These were a handful of guys who, perhaps, had one too many, and in a fit of farm-humor got a couple of cows drunk. Their mistake, really, was in taking video of the results, and releasing the footage to the local television station.

Again, it was supposed to be a joke when they told the news people that the cows were afflicted with a recently discovered disease called Mad Cow. They should have realized that news people are uncommonly gullible, and will repeat just about anything you tell them, verbatim.

Anyway, this researcher remembered the trouble the hog farmers’ little stunt had caused, and decided to exact revenge by calling this year’s seasonal flu: Swine Flu.

Fact #4 – Being reviewed for accuracy.

Fact #5 – Experts disagree on what vaccine to use, or how the vaccine should eventually be administered. Recent research indicates that inhalers show some promise. It’s hoped that one or two snorts will do the trick.

For now, if you long for the stabbing pain of a vaccination needle, have a desire to gamble your future health in the name of unknown side effects, or are really, really lonely—go get a flu shot. Otherwise? Forget it.

That’s what I grunt did, and I’m squeeeel fine!

Electric Car

Dan fancied himself as quite the mechanic. When he had the opportunity to buy a “flood car” for fifty dollars, he had every confidence that he could make her roadworthy once more.

Dan’s wife, Patti, earned a modest living as a wedding planner. Owning a Cadillac had long been a dream of Patti’s… that was about to change.

The car was a 2005 Cadillac Deville, and Dan spent the next five months working on her in the neighbor’s barn—he grew attached to her; it was a labor of love.

It was early Saturday morning, the day Dan finally rolled in with the Caddy. Patti was on her way out the door for a wedding, and had just pulled the box of monarch butterflies from the refrigerator where they had been stored, to keep them dormant, since the day before. Having butterflies shipped in for release at the blessed moment was one of the specialties Patti offered to her clients.

As thrilled as she was to see Dan and his gift, Patti was on a tight schedule—she had to get the butterflies to the wedding before they warmed up. Excited to try out her new ride, she placed the box of butterflies in the trunk of the Cadillac and sped off.

“There’s just one thing!” yelled Dan, “I haven’t quite figured out the wiring, yet! Be careful!” But Patti was already beyond his voice.

As Patti approached the first intersection, she signaled a left turn and was startled when, instead, the high-beams came on. Naturally, a driver across the intersection flashed his high beams in retaliation. Patti pulled the lever to dim the headlights, causing the horn to sound... non-stop. The other driver hit his horn, as well, and yelled something.

Patti thought to shout a response, but when she pressed the button to lower the window, the passenger side airbag deployed. Meanwhile, the horn continued to ensure that everyone in the neighborhood took note of Patti in her new ride.

Thinking that she had better seek safety at the side of the road, Patti signaled to pull over to the right, engaging the cruise control and causing the car to lurch forward. The panicked wedding planner jammed on the brakes to disengage the cruise control and stop the wild ride! As she came to a halt at the side of the road, Patti turned on the hazard lights, releasing the trunk lid... and most of the 400 butterflies that had been inside.

Dan had heard the racket from the house. As he ran down the street he could see the cloud of butterflies spreading over the neighborhood and he started to calculate the cost of his error. At $6.75 per butterfly, the cost of the new car had risen suddenly and dramatically. That didn’t count what lay ahead for Patti when she had to deal with an upset bride, and worse, the bride’s angry mother.

As it turned out; the bride didn’t really mind pocketing the refund of her mother’s butterfly deposit. Dan never did manage to sort out all the problems with the wiring in the Caddy, but Patti got accustomed to things as they were. Sometimes, you’ll see her around town, proudly driving her new car and displaying her personalized license plates that read:

Yard Sale Revenge!

“Why is she driving smack in the middle of the road?” I asked myself aloud. Then I asked myself why I was talking to myself; but my tone of voice made me decide I would ignore me, and I refused to answer.

Continuing the conversation in my head, I wondered why the foolish woman in the 1980-something Plymouth Duster was driving so erratically! Then, without warning, she veered through the shallow, grassy ditch at the edge of the road, and came to rest with the nose of her car against the split rail fence in someone’s yard.

I stopped at the side of the road and jumped out of my truck, even more questions spinning in my head. Did she break a tie-rod? Could she be in diabetic shock? Has she expired at the wheel? (And me, thinking so poorly of her just moments earlier).

No, before I closed the door of my pickup, this little old lady with a fisherman’s cap and a faded, tie-dyed tee shirt was out of her car and marching toward the neighboring home. When she heard my truck door close, she wheeled around, glaring, in a way that made me stop in my tracks, before she spun around to continue her march.

I shivered as I realized I had just been on the receiving end of the Yard-saler’s Hex—a sort of Midwestern voodoo jinx that’s designed to make you hesitate for just a moment, just long enough so she can get at the “good stuff” before you can.

It was like that all Labor Day weekend—the unofficial end of summer, and yard sale season.

You have to be watchful for these rummage sale ruffians throughout the year, but on Labor Day weekend a heightened sense of desperation is evident—leaving your home is discouraged, particularly by your auto insurance agent.

If you do venture out, beware! If you find yourself driving behind someone (usually female or elderly—often both) who’s driving too fast; someone who, without notice, slams on their brakes so hard that they do a reverse wheelie as they simultaneously veer into a driveway; if it’s at this moment (as you’re trying to avoid rear ending her) that you notice the collection of troll dolls that are glued to her dash, and maybe an old dog riding shotgun, a dog that has been trained to give you that same evil-eye; you’ll know then (as you recover from the skid and feel the rush of blood that’s made your eyes bug out a little) that you’re behind one of the pro’s… a master at her craft, a genuine, bare knuckles, hard core, fight to the death for a scarcely-used Veg-O-Matic… yard saler.

Though you are now in a rage, it’s best not to confront her immediately about her unsafe driving habits. After all, you can never tell if there is really something to that voodoo thing—and she has a dog.

If you really want revenge, stop up the road at the next yard sale and buy the most expensive thing they’ve got. Don’t hold back, this is war! When she pulls in to that sale (and she will) walk past her with a big smile on your face, hold your purchase up where it’s easy for her to see and announce triumphantly, “One Dollar!”

Sports Cliches - the next best thing

Shopping malls should be closed on Saturdays, at least during football season.

If legislation to this effect can’t be enacted immediately, then malls should be outfitted with sports lounges where those of us who have been drafted for a “fun day of shopping” can take the occasional break to catch the latest scores and updates.

As it is, you’re lucky to find a bench where you can rest a minute! This past Saturday, I was fortunate enough to find a bench and a like-minded bench warmer. We enjoyed a pleasant time, observing shoppers and discussing common interests:

Jim, see that brunette in the red jacket? Watch her today; she's a physical player, a proven winner and a force to be reckoned with.

Let’s not forget about the blonde with the ponytail, Carl. She’s a scrappy player, and a serious student of the game.

You’re right, the blonde is obviously the real deal, no question, but don’t discount the elderly lady – she’s a real playmaker who can be counted on to come through in a clutch.

Well, it looks like things are about to get started here. What are you’re thoughts going into this competition?

The intangibles will be the key. This is an intriguing match-up and I’m going to say that the one that wants it most will probably be our winner here today.

I would agree. They’ll have to dig deep, and capitalize on opportunities if they hope to come out on top.

And there they go! It looks like the blonde draws first blood with a smooth end-around cart maneuver that caught the others off guard.

That’s right, Carl. The others are going to have to stay on their toes. They’ve got to stay consistent and not allow those un-forced errors.

They'll need to start playing with a sense of urgency if they’re going to battle their way back into this competition!

Yes, but stick to the game plan – that’s key here. Size-wise, these players are well matched; nobody is likely to dominate in the physical game.

The brunette is making a move now. Boy, she really thrives under pressure.

Yeah, great instincts, and great lateral mobility; I’d say she’s got first-round pick written all over her.

I don’t know, Jim. She has the makings of a great one, but she’s been plagued by injuries all season.

Oh My! How about that screen the elderly lady just set?

She makes it look easy out there, and what an arm! Did you see how she was negotiating the traffic out there before launching that pack of stockings into her cart? Great touch! That pass was right on the money.

Carl, that move may have just changed the complexion of this game. You can almost feel the momentum swinging her way.

You’re right; it was a gutsy play that paid off. That may prove to be this game’s defining moment!

It’s not in the bag yet, Carl, there’s still a lot of game to play and the others could still blow this thing wide open.

True, they’re not out of it yet but…

“Ready, Hun?”

Wha’s 'at?

“I’m done… we can go home now. Are you ready?”

Well… okay… are you sure you got everything?

“Yes! C’mon, let’s go. Are you feeling alright?”

Yeah…I guess. Can we come back here next week?