United States Department of State
Bureau of Consular Affairs
Washington, DC 20520
The U.S. State Department has issued the following advisories for American citizens planning to attend the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver, Canada.
1) A number of fraudulent Olympic venues have recently been established for the purpose of taking advantage of witless travelers. Visitors should be watchful for perpetrators of this chicanery, who often advertise sham events such as: Moose Roping, Snowshoe Racing, Loon Calling or Caribou Milking.
2) Exercise caution if you are approached with an offer to purchase time-share property. Tourists are being targeted with what would appear to be incredible offers to purchase large tracts of land in Canada’s most northern reaching territory of Nunavut. Potential investors are warned that this region is made up entirely of snow, and that climate change experts agree it will be part of the Arctic Ocean by 2012, the wet part. If solicited to buy property in northern Canada, politely tell the flimflammer that you want none of it.
3) Recent activity by gangs of reprobate bears have prompted the recommendation that you conceal the Molson’s in your locked vehicle to avoid Canada’s most pervasive crime, the smash and grab theft of beer by drunken bruins.
1) Before departing for Canada, verify that your Traveler’s Checks can also be used as Travelers Cheques, the only form accepted in Canada.
2) Exchanging your U.S. currency for Canadian currency is not recommended. Even when exchange rates are favorable, this is an unwise practice for vending-machine-reliant travelers, as Canadian money doesn’t work in their vending machines either.
1) Canadians will readily identify you as a U.S. tourist by your foolish grin and incessant conversation about the weather. Avoid trying to fit in with the locals by adding the word “Eh” to the end of sentences. Canadians realize they do this; when you do it too, they just think you’re making fun of their impediment.
2) Do not call members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, Dudley Do-Right. The Mounties have guns, and they know how to use them.
3) When conversing with Canadian’s from the Province of Quebec, it is acceptable (and encouraged) to pepper your conversation with regular exclamations of “Sacré Bleu!”
4) Never call a Canadian, “Hoser.”
1) Moose frequently assist law enforcement authorities in reducing traffic speeds by standing in the middle of the road. Since moose are 95% leg, motoring to Canada in a low profile vehicle will allow you to drive right under them without slowing down. Otherwise, be sure to purchase moose insurance—you’re going to need it.
2) Should you require medical attention while in Canada, you will receive the best of care, at a reasonable price, as long as your illness is related to a hockey injury or the common cold. Any other malady is best managed by a lawyer who can update your Last Will and Testament.
3) Travelers shouldn’t be alarmed by the odd fact that water draining from Canadian toilets circles neither left nor right. Parliament’s attempts to earmark funds to research this phenomenon have been frozen in committee.
4) If you lose your passport in Canada, you will be required to use the secret password to re-enter the United States. When the Customs Officer asks “How much Canadian whiskey do you wish to claim?” reply: Nunavut!