Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Announcing New Golf Course!

My neighbor and I are about to take advantage of the greatest money-making opportunity since Tupperware parties.

Actually, my neighbor doesn’t know about the plan yet, but it involves part of his property, so I guess I’ll have to include him as a partner, since he’s bound to notice the land-grab sooner of later.

I recently read that the game of golf is a multi-billion dollar industry. Not wanting to be left behind, I’ve decided I’m going to make my fortune by building a golf course.

I have limited acreage to work with (even with the public property I’m planning to incorporate into my design) so this will be a course of the two-hole variety.

The course will start on my place, then dog-leg as it crosses State Route 62 and the creek, before terminating on my neighbor’s side of the highway. The intended fairway is already seeded in Licking County turf (tall grass and weeds), with field-corn planted along each side and at the far end.

I don’t presently have capital to invest in expensive grounds maintenance equipment, so I’ll graze goats to help manage the turf. This should also take care of fertilization. During the day, while the goats are busy manicuring the grounds, I’ll use the goat-shed as a clubhouse and will add amenities, like indoor plumbing, as profits allow.

I've done a lot of research on this project and have learned everything about the game of golf. For instance, most golfers are known as Duffers, or sometimes Hackers; the place you tee-off is called the launch-pad; and anything that can mess-up your score is called a hazard, as in: “Hey look! My tee shot killed a pigeon-hazard!”

I’m going to call my course The Raccoon Creek Highland Memorial Links Country Club Golf Course and Corn Maze.

Here’s how it’ll work:

The first group will arrive, and I’ll engage them in some golf-type banter before directing them to the outbound launch-pad. This banter will involve small talk about weather, green speed, and temperament of certain (horned) members of the grounds crew… the usual stuff. The first hole will be a 120 yard par-five.

Par-five may seem high for the 120 yard distance to the pin, but remember that there will be a small herd of goats to be negotiated (and it can be expected numerous goat related hazards), as well as the dog-leg at the highway, and a ditch on each side of the highway. (Duffers call these: Bunkers)

There’s also the creek (Duffers call this a: Water Hazard). Depending on the season, the water hazard may be a small rivulet, or a frothing cauldron of doom. Life vests will be recommended, with rentals available for a small deposit and nominal fee. Survivors will receive a full refund of the deposit.

So, group-one will be on their way, while the next group is held in more golf-type banter as I collect greens fees and signed insurance waivers. When I see that group-one has disappeared around the dog-leg, I’ll release group number two. And so the morning will pass.

This is where the game gets interesting! You see, the Hole One putting green will immediately be used as the launch-pad for Hole Two, and the return trip to the clubhouse. This assumes, of course, that no one overshot the green and landed their ball in the corn maze, which will lie just beyond. (Duffers call this and the corn on either side of the fairway: The Rough).

Anyone who overshoots the green and ventures out to locate their ball in the corn maze should pocket a couple of cold beverages before going in search of their ball, as this process is expected to take several hours.

Hole Two will be a 120 yard, par-nine. Remember, there's now a crowd of additional hazards playing up on Hole One and, by this time, players on Hole Two won’t give a damn about exercising due-caution, having spent the better part of their day wandering around in a corn maze.

A necessary rule, unique to my course, will be that all alcoholic beverages must be kept in a locked container.

You see, goats are known to be aggressive foragers who (as rural legend has it) love to eat cans, bottles, tires, live chickens and small farm implements.

Goats are also known to be mean drunks! So for the safety of all, coolers must be locked.

I hope you’ll come out and play a round or two at TRCHMLCCGC & CM. Hours of operation will be from sunrise to sunset, seven days a week - except Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and some weekends. You can expect a full range of services including port-a-potties, a goat-proof vending machine, and corn maze rescue missions at the top of every hour, almost guaranteed.

Legal Disclaimer: The Raccoon Creek Highland Memorial Links Country Club Golf Course and Corn Maze will not accept responsibility for any accident, injury, molestation, or death that come as a result of drunken goat incidents related to unlocked coolers, or the unintentional sharing of alcoholic beverages with a goat that has been mistaken for an elder-duffer.

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