Monday, July 20, 2009

Help! I Have a Monkey on my Back!

I think I’m addicted. I haven’t discussed this with anyone yet, but I’ve been doing some research, and find that I’m exhibiting all of the signs of a hardcore addict. I’m not talking about drugs, alcohol, tobacco, or any of the mainstream addictions—I’m addicted to Laffy Taffy.

It starts as soon as I wake up in the morning. I pour a cup of coffee and immediately begin patting my pockets as I nervously search for a piece of taffy to give me a fix. I begin to feel a little panicky until I lay my hand on one, and then shred the wrapper to get to the flavorful, sweet deliciousness inside. The act of chewing helps to calm me—and as the melt-in-the-mouth sugary goodness begins to slide down my throat…I feel good. It’s then that I realize that I didn’t read the joke on the wrapper, and I get down on my hands and knees to search it out... pathetic.

What makes my addiction so debilitating is that the fix only lasts for about twenty-minutes. It’s about then that I crash into a sugar-low and the process begins again.

I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to quit. I tried going cold-turkey, which only made me want it more. I tried substituting Altoids, Nerds, or Malted Milk Balls, but I always return to my candy of choice—Laffy Taffy.

My research yielded the following information.

Signs of Abuse - with personal observations:
1) Increased energy -
brief, in fact, scarcely perceptible
2) Inability to sleep - how am I supposed to sleep when all I can think about is Laffy Taffy?
3) Slow movements, confusion disorientation -
this was happening long before Laffy Taffy.
Sudden weight loss or gain
- gain, if you must ask
5) Excess sleeping - “excess” is a relative term
6) Paraphernalia -
I shove the wrappers into an empty cola can that serves as a decoy when I’m “using”—does that count?
7) Chronic health or dental problems -

If you’ve never had Laffy Taffy, I caution you against trying that first individually-wrapped taffy treat. It comes in so many delicious flavors that thinking about it makes my head swim—banana is my favorite. The candy is marketed under the Willy Wonka brand, which is appropriate because with 50 calories in each snack-size piece, a habit like mine can soon lead one to look like Augustus Gloop. Anyway, I’m hooked, I admit it.

So far, I’ve done a good job of hiding this problem from my family, but I think they’re starting to get wise to me. They’ve had to notice that I’m developing Laffy Taffy handles on my love handles—another unpleasant and unappealing sign. Sooner or later, one of them is bound to stumble across one of the many bags that I’ve secreted in hiding places throughout the house. Someone may have already been hitting one of my stashes—I’d swear I had more in that bag behind the refrigerator.

Oh yeah…another one of the signs of addiction? Paranoia.

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