Monday, July 13, 2009

Motorized Bar Stool - Made in U.S.A.

“Is this Nine-One-One? I done wrecked my barstool!”
The chief shook his head, just another drunk fool
He dispatched the squad, and then said with a smirk
“I’m Ohio Proud, to say I’m from Newark!”

They arrived on the scene, found a man in the street
A peculiar contraption lay there at his feet
He groaned, “My head hurts, and I got me a bump”
They’d seen it before, just another stewed chump

The cops came and questioned the free-wheelin’ punk
How fast he was going, how much he had drunk
The answer came quick, from the beer addled sot
He said, “I don’t know, but it sure was a lot!

“It goes nearly forty, I crashed doin’ half
“My wheelie-bar saved me,”
he let out a laugh
The report said "ejected, no airbag deployed"
Tippled into the street, this rotundish man-boy

Ripley’s people got wind, and a deal was near struck
‘til a problem was found, with the no account cluck
It would seem that he owes for the care of his kids
Children’s Services said, “We’ll consider all bids

“This barfly took wing, from his five-horse machine
But now we will seize it, he’ll no more careen
His support’s long past due, and up near forty grand
There are those who would say, lock him up in the can

“Just smokes and a brewski, that’s all that he wants
Disdain for the system he readily flaunts
Three days in the clink, and his license to boot
He can’t drive it now, so we’ll sell it for loot”

But the county’s too broke to transport and garage
This contrivance that might bring a fiscal barrage
So his kids they won’t eat, but I bet they’re sure proud
Of their dad, and his fame, with the bar sitting crowd

There’s a positive note, from this sorry exploit
It could be just the thing, to help salvage Detroit
Motor City could use the attention and hype
Of this high-mileage, cheap, ready-made, prototype

Update December 13, 2009: The barstool was eventually siezed and auctioned on Ebay. The just concluded auction brought a price of $1125.00, far short of the reported offer of $3500.00 from Ripley's. The net proceeds are said to be going toward the satisfaction of a portion of the past-due child support. Whether the kids are proud or not remains uncertain.

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