Dave Barry 1947 - 2009

Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning author and columnist, has reportedly died in what authorities are describing as an unfortunate case of horse-play.

Eyewitnesses report that the 62-year-old Barry was alone in his speedboat, and traveling at a high rate of speed, when he crashed into a pier on the Port Boulevard Bridge around 2 a.m. Barry is reported to have been standing in his boat at the time of the crash, and was naked except for a jack-o-lantern that he wore over his head. Authorities believe that the pumpkinhead guise may have been a contributing factor in the accident.

Coincidentally, Barry’s passing comes five years to the day after his announcement that he would be taking an indefinite leave of absence from his weekly humor column at the Miami Herald.

Barry’s widow released the following statement early this morning:

“We’re all so shocked that this could have happened. Of course, we knew Dave loved to wear his pumpkinhead, but he never, ever boated in the nude! I want to offer a sincere apology to the eyewitnesses. It must have been a very disturbing sight!”

Barry’s passing starts the fifty-year countdown to the expiration of the author's copyright on such phrases as “I’m not making this up!” and “would be a good name for a rock band,” as well as words like “gob” and “booger,” which will be available for use by all humor writers in 2059. It is generally believed that Barry's more generic use of exploding or flaming farm animals, small appliances and toilets will be available at a much earlier date.

Barry’s attorney has indicated that it was the humorist’s desire that his cremated remains be blended with the ink that will be used in printing his final book. The posthumous release (appropriately titled Dead my Ash!) will be published from notes that Barry compiled on his substantial gum wrapper collection and the inner flaps of Cheese-It box tops.

Barry was scheduled to make an appearance in his role as lead guitarist for the Rock Bottom Remainders at a concert this evening. Venue organizers at the Gramercy Park Nursing Home are expected to release details on the concert later today, but it is believed that Barry will be unavailable for this appearance.

Plans for a memorial service are uncertain; however, memorial contributions may be made to the Miami-Dade Objectophiliac Support Center or the Starving Humor-Writer Fund of America.

Readers may leave their expressions of sympathy, or application for relief from the previously mentioned charities, in the "comments" section below.

The final chapter in the riveting series on Ohio Town Names

I’ve mentioned in previous posts that my study of an Ohio map indicated a lack of creativity in the naming of Ohio’s cities, towns and villages. For my vote, top honor for least creative would go to the town of Ohio City, Ohio. How hard was it to think up that name? It’s like naming your dog, Dog.

Then there’s Farmers Center, Farmers Station, Farmerstown and Farmersville. I wonder what industry is driving the economy in these communities.

Many of the names of Ohio towns are just plain ridiculous—or so it seems.

Who came up with names like Pancoastburg, Jelloway, Scio, Seventeen, Wilgus or Yelverton? (Jelloway?!?)

Sligo sounds like the name of a board game, so does Uniopolis; and Overpeck?

“Hi, Boss? I’ll be late getting to work today. I have to take my rooster to the orthodontist…he has an overpeck. Hey! What a great name for a town!”

Were the settlers of Converse contrarians, or did they enjoy good conversation? I wish I cared enough to look into it. What about the people from Assumption? I would suppose or speculate that there’s a good reason they took this name for their town.

Was Plankton named for small aquatic organisms, or do they refer to themselves as “The City of Boards.”

It might be interesting to visit River Styx, Ohio, just be careful of what’s on the other side. Equally hazardous could be a visit to Pandora; and I often wonder if Dracula’s kin were the ones to settle Rushylvania. Actually, I don’t wonder about this at all.

Was Oldtown always called Oldtown; or did the name change after so many years?

I know that Celeryville was named for their chief agricultural product. I wonder if they have a celery festival each year; it sounds like fun!

I imagine there would be a celery parade and pageant, which would be followed by a crown of celery being placed on the head of the Celery Queen. Of course, there would be all sorts of celery food and drink: Deep-fried celery, celery burgers, celery ice cream, celery on a stick, celery beer... Yum!

“Stop by a nearby floss-station to clear the fibrous vegetable debris from between your teeth before joining us in the celery eating contest!” Woo-hoo!

I couldn’t help but think of an old-time television commercial when I read that there's a Whipple, Ohio. I haven’t seen Mr. Whipple in years! Speaking of absences, does anyone no where Waldo is? It’s somewhere in Ohio, though I can’t pick it out from all the other cities on my map.

I should get someone from Enterprise to help. They’re probably more ambitious than me. Or maybe their town was named after the Starship Enterprise. If that’s the case, I don’t want their help.

Are the people of Eureka keeping a secret? I’ve never heard of anything having been discovered there. Maybe that’s where the vacuum cleaners are made. If I traveled to Reminderville I bet it would come back to me.

We have one city in Ohio whose name begins with an X, though Xenia is pronounced with the "Z" sound ("Zed" if you’re a traveler from Canada).

I bet the people in Veto, Ohio would know just what to do with this rambling trilogy!

Read Part One

Read Part Two

Ohio Town Names - Second part in a trifecta of journalistic farcism.

I recently wrote about some of the oddities in the naming of Ohio cities, towns and villages. As I mentioned previously; creativity appears not to have been a forte of early Ohio settlers. I can understand how, over time, as a state’s map becomes more dotted with named places, providing a unique name for one’s town would become more difficult. That’s probably why so many towns seem to be named for the obvious.

The Ohio towns of Catawba, Sycamore, Magnolia and Hemlock are obviously named for trees.

There are several towns that are named after other states, or what were, in some cases, territories at the time. Florida, Wyoming, Kansas, Texas and Idaho are all represented in the names of Ohio towns. I checked to see if any of these other states had a town named after Ohio—they don’t.

To their credit, Kansas has an Ohio township, and I learned that in Texas there is a ghost town named Ohio (whatever that means). When the post office in Ohio, Texas closed in 1920, they moved it to Cowhouse Creek. It doesn’t say much for the leadership of a town when a place called “Cowhouse Creek” survives you.

There are loads of Ohio towns that are named after famous persons of their time. Certainly some towns were named after the proprietor of the general store or tavern that lay along a popular trail where a town eventually grew. No doubt, too, there were those vain individuals who named a town after themselves. I would start an Ohio town and name it after myself, but Coolville is already taken.

Many positive sentiments are expressed in the names of Ohio towns. We’ve got Unity, Blissfield, Charm, Friendsville, Tranquility and Brilliant. Who wouldn’t want to live where they could enjoy the good view from either of the two towns named Buena Vista. Or why not live in a town where everyone is willing to lend a hand—a place like Pitchin, Ohio.

Biblical references in the names of Ohio towns are also popular. It’s probably a good idea to live in a town with a biblical name—improves one’s odds, I should think, when the Four Horsemen arrive. Towns like Canaan, Goshen, Hebron or Hiram would be alright places to live. I’d rather not have to go to the effort of writing out Mesopotamia, Ohio, every time I had to write my address.

Naturally, there are towns whose names might put-off the potential traveler. I wonder if Getaway is a recreational destination or a warning. I’m pretty sure I will avoid Crooksville when I travel. I might go through Bevis, Gomer, Meeker or Funk, but I’ve spent a lifetime trying to stay out of Bellevue!

Gnadenhutten is an Ohio town whose name makes me a little nervous. I don’t know what it means, Gnadenhutten. Sounds scary!

I could drive through Gore, I just wouldn’t look around too much. I’d have to watch my wallet if I stopped in Shadyside or Panhandle. People in those towns are probably down on their luck.

Hicksville is one of my favorite names for an Ohio town. It surprises me that there's only one town that took the name Hicksville... so many qualify.

Read Part One

Read Part Three

Ohio Place Names... part one of a three-part cartographical odyssey

I had reason to look at an Ohio map recently. You remember maps, don’t you? Those big, colorful, multi-fold pieces of paper that we once used to find our way in the world, before computers or GPS?

I was looking to the map’s index, something that is usually followed by flipping the map over and then wrestling, refolding, crumpling, tearing and wadding it to a manageable size in order to locate your destination and consider a route. As I looked at the index, I was distracted by the fact that there were two towns with the name, Olive Green. It seemed a strange name to bestow upon a town; why would anyone choose to use it a second time?

If I wanted to drive to Olive Green, how would I know which one to choose? What were the implications for sending mail? Did the residents find this dual-moniker status confusing? Do the inhabitants of one Olive Green resent those of the other?

As I continued to look at the map's index I found several other anomalies. In fact, I spent quite a lot of time reading the names of Ohio’s populated places… I really need a hobby!

I found that Ohio has 43 instances in which two towns have taken the same name, though I included Valley View and Valleyview in that count; same with Lindale and Linndale. I was curious about the two towns named Millersport. Did the name suggest a port for millers, or a sport for Miller? I wonder about these things.

Surprising as it was, to me, that any name might be used twice, I had to chuckle when I noted that there were four names that had each been used three times—Bloomfield, Oakwood, Lafayette and Rome. Perhaps all roads don’t lead to Rome, but quite a few must.

More shocking, still, is the fact that there are four Newport’s and four Centerville’s! None of the Centerville’s appear to be quite at the center of anything; and shouldn’t the second Newport have been called New Newport, and so on?

As would be expected, there are quite a few towns named after founding fathers. The names of foreign countries are popular, as well. Foreign cities are well represented in the names of Ohio towns. I’m not sure if I can include Lima with that group, since I can’t state with certainty whether it was named after the city in Peru or the bean.

There are 19 occurrences of the abbreviation “Mt.” and 61 uses of “New.” It becomes apparent to me that early Ohioans were not a particularly creative lot.

There are a number of references to American Indian culture. Descriptive words from their languages; names of places; tribes; and chieftains. My favorites are Tymochtee, Wakatomika, Tontogany and Tawawa. Don’t ask me what any of them mean, I provide the raw data, you can do your own leg-work.

I wondered about a couple of the names I found on my map, and whether they, too, are references to Native Americans. I wouldn’t mind living in Round Head, though I’m not sure if that’s a title a native warrior would cherish. Still, it’s better than Round Bottom, or worse, Long Bottom.

I can only imagine the self esteem issues that a young native would have in being called Long Bottom. Probably didn't get many dates.

Read Part Two

Read Part Three

Convoluted Corporation, Inc.

Memo


To: All Company Associates
From: Mr. Throckmorton, Vice President of Communications
CC: Vendor Groups
Date: 10/5/2009
Re: Modeling the capture of strategic platform strategies.

I want to touch base regarding our collateral matrix of costs and their relevance to our ongoing operations. I’ll keep this short and make it as clear as possible, in order that you might begin immediately to develop cross-functional profiles to carry out the objectives of this evolving mandate.

The economy has offered a critical challenge in recent months. Forecasts suggest continued movement into negative territory before evidence of a measurable turnaround will begin to yield effective results. Moving forward, it will be particularly important that each of us step up to the plate and give 110% effort in leveraging our negative risk opportunities for a win-win outcome.

This is not rocket science folks! If every one of us commits to pushing the envelope and thinking outside the box, at the end of the day we will drill down to our base demographic to re-initiate a balanced logistics matrix.

We all know there is plenty of low-hanging fruit out there. Going forward, it will be required that everyone accentuate their forward planning initiatives and keep this shifting paradigm on their radar.

I know I can count on you for the development of a plan to re-facilitate the primary filter-down parameters and deliver on the core objective profile (as outlined above).

I'll expect your report by end of day, Wednesday.


Regards,

Thaddeus Throckmorton III