Monday, November 16, 2009

Yes We Can!

In the spirit of invention and entrepreneurship that propelled our nation to the imagined position of “Leader of the Free World,” I offer the following flashes of genius in automotive design. These ideas required a good 20 minutes of semi-strenuous thought on my part. Production of any one of these beauties will revitalize our auto industry, salvage the environment, and offer the opportunity for true energy independence.

T. Boone Pickens—eat your heart out!

The Catafalque – a car that’s so small, extrapolation of your body after a wreck is impossible. After the coroner has notarized your death certificate (and scrap permit) your car serves its secondary purpose as a casket. Never mind that it was a minor fender bender—you’re stuck now. For those who prefer cremation, arrangements can be made through the now defunct Cash-for-Clunkers disposal program, where operators are standing by to assist you.

The Catafalque is offered in simulated woodtones of mahogany, maple, or walnut, and is appointed with a comfy satin interior. For a few extra bucks, you can special order one that sports your favorite NASCAR racing team’s logo.

The Bumper Car – Similar in size to the Smart Car, but without all that muscle under the hood. The Bumper Car is fashioned after the amusement ride of the same name. The main principal behind the efficiency of this vehicle is that kinetic energy of other vehicles is used to propel you to your destination. After your initial acceleration to the vehicle’s top speed of 6 mph, other (enraged) drivers are encouraged to give you an aggressive, self-satisfying nudge with their vehicle in order to jettison you down the road, or at least out of their way.

A few problems with the bumper car include the fact that the car doesn’t really respond to the movements of the steering wheel, and it tends to get bunched up with other Bumper Cars.

The China Syndrome – Don’t let the name fool you, this car will be 100% American made. The design of this nuclear powered vehicle is loosely based on a 1958 Ford concept car called the Nucleon. The car offers a handy, cab-forward design that safely places occupants several inches from that bothersome radiation.

Now, I can already hear all of you tree-hugging-greenies screaming about the nuclear waste, but that’s the beauty of this car! You see, in Ohio alone we have plenty of existing nuclear waste we can employ for the propulsion of these vehicles. Near the city of Fernald is a defunct uranium processing plant with billions of pounds of waste material, and an underlying aquifer that offers over 200 acres of water that’s so atomically charged, anyone who drinks it pees bright green for the next 25 years!

Of course, I momentarily considered solar or wind-powered vehicles. This is out of the question for my home state of Ohio, at least. The wind here is unreliable, and we would look silly driving around with those big fan-blades on top of our cars. Then there’s the dark cloud of depression-and-doom that moves in to block the sun and curtain our sky from November until March. Wintertime use of a solar powered vehicle would require a pedal option—something that we in Ohio are just not fit to utilize.

So there you have it, a plan for the future if ever I made one up. Say it with me—Yes, we can!

1958 Ford Nucleon Concept Car


Knucklehead said...

That bumper car idea would work well on the LA freeways. One pissed off trucker could knock a guy from La Jolla to Oxnard (who wants an Oxnard? I DO, I DO!).

David Crawford said...

A good pre-framulation unit on that Nucleon or China Syndromer would work just fine - and give you added fuel mileage. Mount it on a base of amulite for best repleneration performance.

Good job and great design work sir! do I smell a Nobel?

Leeuna said...

You intelligence impresses me. I don't know why someone didn't think of this concept before. The Catafalque would be my personal favorite. I could save a bundle on my life insurance. :)

Oh My Goddess said...

A smart car without muscle under its hood. Isn't that a lobotomy?

Anonymous said...

I would love to come across one of those bumper cars and give them a healthy SHOVE! Especially the ever present drivers who camp in the left land instead of pass!

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