Thursday, November 12, 2009

Sharpshooters, and such

For years, owners of woodland, cropland and rural landscapes have suffered the ravages of whitetail deer. Now, the deer are encroaching on our urban neighbors and at last: “Something must be done!”

I’ve long considered how we can manage this problem. Not all these ideas have been tested; however, existing ideas (like birth control for deer) haven’t worked, so I’m hopeful that some of these suggestions will prove to be effective and worthwhile.

1) Arm residents with shovels: Part of me admires the 75-year-old Euclid, Ohio woman who killed a deer in her yard with a shovel. How many of us can list that among our accomplishments? Mind you, it was a very young deer. Still, that woman’s got grit!

As a practical matter, the majority of deer are more astute than the one she clocked. Few of us will ever get close enough to use a shovel—or any other garden implement, for that matter.

2) Recruit PETA: Just threatening a deer eradication campaign should be enough to bring a backlash from the wild-eyed, frothy mouthed, wackos at PETA.

I can see it now: PETA protesters coming by the busload, doctor’s permission slip in one hand and medication in the other. They’ll carry signs, block traffic—maybe spill barrels of fake deer blood into the streets before being bused back to the cracker factory.

After a day or two of such nonsense, the most humane among us will be compelled to take up arms. Against the deer, I mean. With no deer, PETA has no cause for which to fight… right? It’s the only legal recourse.

Alternately, we could throw deer estrus on the protesters and watch the show as they attempt to ward off the amorous attentions of the male deer population—ethically, of course. This does nothing to solve our deer problems, but the PETA problem would be momentarily quelled.

3) Release wolves on the urban fringe: This isn’t anything new. At one time, wolves were common throughout Ohio. It may take a few years for them to get the deer under control, but these predators will do it. This tactic could help with the raccoon and feral cat problem, as well!

Keep an eye on the family pets, though, unless you have a pet bear… or wolverine—they can probably take care of themselves.

4) Issue special permits for hunting along roads and highways: The Department of Transportation has placed those deer crossing signs all over the place. All a hunter should have to do is sit near one of those signs until a deer comes loping up to cross the road at the legally designated crossing.

For less experienced hunters, the sign will provide a convenient reference for what a deer looks like, should there be any confusion.

5) Sharpshooters: Place sharpshooters in some of the homes that have been abandoned as a result of the nation’s mortgage crisis. The sharpshooters would have to prove they are competent, by pointing out which is the business end of a gun.

When they’ve bagged their deer, they can leave the meat for the squatters who have taken up residence in the house—win-win, except for the deer… and maybe the surrounding neighbors.

Perhaps the best idea takes me back to where I started this manifesto. Better birth control; not for the deer, but the rest of us. There may be some benefit in the thinning of our herd, as well.


Brenda's Arizona said...

Right on! You made me laugh out loud, and I wonder if the white tail deer had a similar discussion about encroaching humans.

Oh My Goddess said...

That 75 year old lady, church lady right?

Your last line is the truth.

Cowguy said...

Yes. All counts.


ettarose said...

Well, it seems we both have an idea about the encroaching of deer. I say we should put concrete elk EVERYWHERE and let the Darwin Awards for deer commence. While you were talking about deer estrus, may I make a wonderful suggestion. Put it on the PETA people and then let's see how compassionate they are with a rutting buck up their backsides.

Knucklehead said...

Screw the deer, when is it open season on PETA?

Project Savior said...

I loved suggestions 2 & 5.
2) I love watching the Bat-shit Crazy naked women march.
5) The sharpshooters could be paid using stimulus money, leading to a win-win-win deal as they would get to keep their own homes.

Carl Vine said...

Brenda's Arizona: See my post titled "Deer Talk" for a conversation that was along those lines.

Oh My Goddess: I don't know if she was a church lady, but she tried to put the fear of God in all the other deer when she left the carcass of the one she killed on the edge of her property as a warning to the others.

Cowguy: I have several more ideas, but this makes a good start.

ettarose: I'll have to check out the elk story. I'll read it carefully. Good idea about the deer estrus. I wish I'd thought of that.

Knucklehead: I think PETA is protected. It has something to do with their mental faculties.

Project Savior: How can you see anything? You have no eyes!

jude8753 said...

My first comment even though I read your blog I usually just don't comment. I love your photos on your side that say this is not Carl Vine and they always crack me up along with your posts. I may start commenting in future because I think you're hilarious, but then maybe I wont. Just thought I would let you know I read instead of just clicking away.

David Crawford said...

I believe we already thin out our herds via the Darwin Awards. More power to them I say.

I had to comment and say something since I just now figured out how to use the comment thingy.

Carl Vine said...

jude8753: Comment when you're moved to, click when you're not. I'm glad you enjoy the read.

David: The Darwin Awards... is that why there are so few Canadians?

And I believe the correct term is "comment doohicky", not thingy.

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