Christmas Letter 2009

It’s that time again, time to light a Yule log, don the gay apparel (not a favorite tradition of mine) and dash off my annual holiday greeting.

It’s been quite a year! I hardly know where to start. Maybe it’s best if I recap chronologically.

January – We brought in the New Year by firing shotguns into the frigid night sky. What fun!

Sadly, we learned that a sudden barrage of gunfire in the middle of the night provokes great anxiety in chickens. A strange sound came from the henhouse, a sort of chicken-scream, followed by a clunk and a thud. The frightful awakening caused our hens to spontaneously drop their eggs before pitching over dead, en masse. We filled the freezer with chicken.

February – The groundhog forecast a quick end to winter. Groundhogs make poor prognosticators. (Winter held for another 12 weeks.)

March – I finished boiling syrup on March 12th. Using the boiling tub for such a short time each year seemed a waste, so I tried my hand at distilled spirits. I have only a hazy recollection of the balance of March.

April – See March... I’m told a good time was had by all!

May – Spring finally arrived! We saw the groundhog for the first time since February. We dined on groundhog that evening. In case you’re wondering, it tastes like groundhog. It was a sweet revenge.

Popcorn futures were up, and looked to hold real promise, so we planted all our tillable acreage in popcorn.

June – We rebuilt the outhouse after the seat gave way and the wife took a dip in the honey pit. She had been telling me it needed some work. I suppose it’s my broader base that prevented me from recognizing the problem earlier.

July – Vacation! We took a daytrip to a floating peat bog that’s surrounded by a swamp called Buckeye Lake. It wasn’t until our arrest that we learned this bog, the only one of its kind in the world, is a protected area. Our daytrip became a three-day trip with free lodging and meals, complements of the County Sheriff.

Meanwhile, the neighbor found the power line we had run from his house to ours. He unplugged us… again. We lost everything in the freezer.

August – The weather was so hot that our popcorn popped right there in the field. What a racket! I set up a roadside stand and tried to sell popcorn-on-the-cob. It never really caught on.

September – To offset the loss of farm income, I started a new business. My system for winning the lottery seemed sure to offer a lucrative financial reward.

October – Our oldest son had what some might term success in deer hunting. It’s unfortunate that the neighbor’s bull was brindle colored, but the freezer is full of meat again.

November – The wood shed burned to the ground as a result of a Cornhole mishap when my younger son was experimenting with exploding corn bags–he thought it would enliven the game. Sanctions by the American Cornhole Association are pending.

December – We’ve been burning losing lottery tickets for heat, but the stack is running low; I’d say we have less than a cord remaining. The top six feet of the neighbor’s 20 foot spruce made a wonderful Christmas tree! We blamed the power company.

Well, that’s our year in a nutshell, though the year’s not over yet–anything could happen! Please include us in your prayers, and Merry Christmas!