Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Christmas Letter 2009

It’s that time again, time to light a Yule log, don the gay apparel (not a favorite tradition of mine) and dash off my annual holiday greeting.

It’s been quite a year! I hardly know where to start. Maybe it’s best if I recap chronologically.

January We brought in the New Year by firing shotguns into the frigid night sky. What fun!

Sadly, we learned that a sudden barrage of gunfire in the middle of the night provokes great anxiety in chickens. A strange sound came from the henhouse, a sort of chicken-scream, followed by a clunk and a thud. The frightful awakening caused our hens to spontaneously drop their eggs before pitching over dead, en masse. We filled the freezer with chicken.

February The groundhog forecast a quick end to winter. Groundhogs make poor prognosticators. (Winter held for another 12 weeks.)

MarchI finished boiling syrup on March 12th. Using the boiling tub for such a short time each year seemed a waste, so I tried my hand at distilled spirits. I have only a hazy recollection of the balance of March.

April See March... I’m told a good time was had by all!

May Spring finally arrived! We saw the groundhog for the first time since February. We dined on groundhog that evening. In case you’re wondering, it tastes like groundhog. It was a sweet revenge.

Popcorn futures were up, and looked to hold real promise, so we planted all our tillable acreage in popcorn.

June We rebuilt the outhouse after the seat gave way and the wife took a dip in the honey pit. She had been telling me it needed some work. I suppose it’s my broader base that prevented me from recognizing the problem earlier.

July Vacation! We took a daytrip to a floating peat bog that’s surrounded by a swamp called Buckeye Lake. It wasn’t until our arrest that we learned this bog, the only one of its kind in the world, is a protected area. Our daytrip became a three-day trip with free lodging and meals, complements of the County Sheriff.

Meanwhile, the neighbor found the power line we had run from his house to ours. He unplugged us… again. We lost everything in the freezer.

August The weather was so hot that our popcorn popped right there in the field. What a racket! I set up a roadside stand and tried to sell popcorn-on-the-cob. It never really caught on.

September To offset the loss of farm income, I started a new business. My system for winning the lottery seemed sure to offer a lucrative financial reward.

October Our oldest son had what some might term success in deer hunting. It’s unfortunate that the neighbor’s bull was brindle colored, but the freezer is full of meat again.

November The wood shed burned to the ground as a result of a Cornhole mishap when my younger son was experimenting with exploding corn bags–he thought it would enliven the game. Sanctions by the American Cornhole Association are pending.

December We’ve been burning losing lottery tickets for heat, but the stack is running low; I’d say we have less than a cord remaining. The top six feet of the neighbor’s 20 foot spruce made a wonderful Christmas tree! We blamed the power company.

Well, that’s our year in a nutshell, though the year’s not over yet–anything could happen! Please include us in your prayers, and Merry Christmas!


Anonymous said...

With such an exciting year, I don't know how you'll stand another one.
Happy 2010 anyway!

lakeviewer said...

I came over from OhMYGoddess. What a letter! What a year!
I'm with Dedene. Another one like this will transform you.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you lost the chicken, but glad that you got the beef. As for groundhog, I always thought it was supposed to taste like chicken, but then again isn't everything?

David Crawford said...

I'd like to order some popcorn on the cob please. Sounds interesting.

Oh My Goddess said...

What a year!
And so much to do with food. Love it!

Carl Vine said...

Dedene and lakeviewer: It was quite a year! I always hope for the best in the coming year but remember my plea to keep us in your prayers!

Unfinishedrambler: It's little known that chicken tastes like groundhog, not the other way around.

David: Sorry, popcorn-on-the-cob doesn't store well. That was one of the problems with it not catching on. That, and the seed hulls really get stuck tight between one's teeth.

Oh My Goddess: You're right, lots of food related activities this year. I'm really going to have to start using more alcohol to regain a balance!

Jason said...

I really like your blog. I am a first-time visitor, but I observe every site I submit a comment to. I have a humor blog myself, which I hope to be a top place for people to come and laugh. Life is hard enough and you sometimes need to just sit back and laugh a little.

I'd like to exchange links with you to help spread traffic around to each. Keep up the good work. You can contact me by simply placing a comment on my site.

Happy Holidays!


Debbie said...

sounds like a great year!!LOL..hope this year is just as funny!!:)

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