Thursday, December 10, 2009

Home Economics

In these economically challenging times, it has occurred to me that I could probably earn some extra scratch by writing a book about money saving tactics. Not that I have any particular knowledge in this area, but I think I could fake it. First, I’ll organize an outline and present it to the big publishing concerns. After that, I’m pretty sure all I have to do is sit back and wait for a fat advance check to arrive in the mail.

Outline:


Home Economics – Stuff your mom forgot to teach you!

Chapter 1 - Dumpster Diving: This is a great way to get free stuff, but be safe. Before starting, learn and understand the dump schedules. You don’t want to be inside a dumpster wrestling a raccoon (or homeless person) for a moldy bag of mashed bagels when the waste management engineer drives up to collect what is rightfully his.

Chapter 2 - Dining with Friends, Neighbors and Coworkers: A great way to manage your grocery budget! The key is in maintaining balance; one that is tipped in your favor, naturally. When the couple next door invites you to enjoy a nice steak dinner, you can’t return the favor by offering them mac-n-cheese with chunks of hotdogs mixed in. This is when you want to use the meat products you rescued from the dumpster. Take care to mark the steaks you bought for yourself, to ensure there's no mix-up when you serve the meal.

Chapter 3 - Home Heating: Some entrepreneurial wit once came up with a tool that would tightly roll newspapers into logs that you could burn in your fireplace. You can still find these rollers (usually in dumpsters – see Chapter 1), but the newspaper business being what it is today, you may find fuel a bit hard to come by. My advice is to tough it out until temperatures drop below 50 degrees, then start burning pieces of your neighbor’s privacy fence. He won’t be outdoors again until spring. By the time he realizes that his fence, boat trailer tires, dog house, barking dog, and the maple tree in his side yard are gone, the evidence will be up in smoke.

Chapter 4 - Shop Thrift Stores: Take a tool kit, pepper spray and a cane when you embark on this experience. The tool kit is for re-assembling the parts from several broken items to make one good working item, which you can then purchase at the damaged goods price. The pepper spray is for those aggressive shoppers who will attack you, or your pile of goods, without hesitation, and for no apparent reason. The cane is to clock the really aggressive ones upside the head when the pepper spray doesn’t work, or to correct their children when they become a little too boisterous.

I’ll stop after chapter four. There’s no point in overwhelming my readers with a glut of advice they’ll never bother to use anyway. And I’ll need to save some of my ideas for the companion book I’ll put out when the advance money is gone and royalties begin to drop off.

I think I’ll call the companion: Book Writing – The Art of the Con.

1 comment:

Mr. Knucklehead said...

Sound advice, Carl. I think you have a fine career in financial management ahead of you.

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