Thursday, December 3, 2009

Wild Game Recipe

So… you've enjoyed a successful day of hunting! Maybe you didn’t bag the trophy buck you had hoped for, but toward the end of the day you settled for a couple of squirrels that had annoyingly cursed you throughout the afternoon. Maybe, too, as you were walking out of the woods, your meditative thoughts were interrupted by a rabbit that exploded from a tuft of grass at your feet. Too bad for the rabbit!

You hike through three miles of rough woodland terrain to find your vehicle (that was parked 60 yards from where you were hunting), load your SUV with the 400 pounds of gear you lugged into the woods, and head for home.

Now, it’s time to transform your wild game (which, if flattened, would be termed road kill) into a sumptuous meal. This recipe can be used for the preparation of any wild game. If you follow the recipe carefully, you will be pleased and well satisfied with the results.

Two pounds of wild game, cleaned and dressed (black tie optional)
One-half (1/4) cup of gunpowder
Two large cans of moist dog food
Four gallons of kerosene
Three pounds of cayenne pepper
One quart of oil-based paint (any color will do)
Two liters of whiskey (If using Canadian whiskey convert from litres to liters)
Vinegar, baking soda, liquid dish detergent, red food coloring, warm water
Three pounds of beef (or pork)
One gallon of barbeque sauce
Large sandwich buns

You will also need a short traffic cone, 21 gallon trash can, and every he-man’s favorite tool—a roll of duct tape.

Combine the wild game, gunpowder, dog food, kerosene, cayenne pepper and paint, in the trash can. Seal the lid securely with duct tape and bury the can, Korean kimchi style, in a sunny location of your backyard. Be sure to flag this spot for later retrieval by the EPA.

Bake the beef (or pork) at 350 degrees, for one hour and forty minutes. While the beef (or pork) is baking, drink the contents of one of the whiskey bottles.

Next, set the traffic cone over the empty whiskey bottle using the remaining duct tape to secure this apparatus to a solid base (It should look reminiscent of a volcano, if not, use more duct tape). Start drinking the second bottle of whiskey—slowly now, pace yourself.

Pour warm water into the neck of your volcano until it is half full. Add detergent, food coloring and baking soda to this mixture; then, slowly pour in the vinegar until it erupts. Repeat until the beef (or pork) is done, you run out of volcano ingredients, or you sober up.

Finally, use a fork to shred the beef (or pork), adding a generous measure of barbeque sauce. Serve on buns with side dishes of your choice.

Enjoy your meal! It won’t take three days to digest like the wild game would have, and the rest of the family will actually eat what you’ve prepared.

With this recipe you will enjoy the added benefit of a free show when the EPA arrives to search for whatever the neighbor saw you bury in your backyard. After consistently overlooking the flag you left, they will call in backup from the ODA, FDA, ATF, FBI, PTA, AFL-CIO and Homeland Security.

It’s appetizing, nutritious and fun! Bon Appetit!

1 comment:

Leeuna said...

You had a totally hilarious year, Carl. I was laughing so hard midway through this post I didn't think I'd be able to finish it.

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