Last Year, Thanksgiving was a gas!

Last year, to ensure I did nothing to ruin Thanksgiving, my wife decided we would spend the day at her brother’s house. Never mind that my SPAM turkey from the year before made that holiday (in Scott's own words) "The Best Thanksgiving EVER!”

The upside of going to my brother-in-law’s for Thanksgiving was that Scott had a new turkey fryer, which effectively placed him and I in charge of preparing the bird. He had also bought the turkey, a monster 22-pounder.

Scott had placed the fryer at the top of his asphalt driveway and was already heating the peanut oil when we arrived. Because the drive slopes toward the street, he had shimmed one leg with a piece of scrap two-by-four, to keep it level... and totally safe.

As the oil neared optimal temperature, Scott and I went in and removed the turkey from the freezer. What a giant!

Prying the carcass open, we managed to insert the hook that would be used to carefully lower the turkey into the hot oil, but it was obvious we had a problem.

The bird was too large to fit down into the cylindrical fryer.

Thinking quickly (I’m known for the results of my quick thinking - ask my wife) I walked to the street and grabbed the chainsaw from my pickup. After filling the chain-oil reservoir with peanut oil, for a sanitary cut, I trimmed away enough frozen meat to allow a snug fit without taking too much away from Scott’s glorious bird.

The magic moment had finally arrived! Scott and I stood opposite each other and momentarily held the turkey above the fryer before plunging it into the hot oil.

How were we to know that the bird is supposed to be dry... and thawed! Other than reading the directions that came with the fryer, I mean.

Whoosh! A violent plume of peanut oil blew out of the vat. Our cat-like reflexes allowed us to limit our injuries to second degree burns over just 30% of our bodies, but that same reaction caused us to tip the fryer—spilling fryer, oil, and turkey toward the street.

The now flaming bird surfed a wave of oil as the flames chased it down the driveway. It skipped a couple of times, near the end of the drive, and then skittered across the street, completing a lovely pirouette before dropping into the storm sewer on the opposite side. That should have been the end of it.

Scott and I were dousing the flames that burned a path in his asphalt drive, when our wives arrived on the scene. Just then, a massive explosion rocked the neighborhood! The blast caused smoke and cinders to belch out of the storm sewer drops up and down the street, and left a couple of manhole covers spinning on edge. This brought a number of the neighbors out, as well!

The guys from the fire department never told us what was in the storm sewer to cause that explosion. I’m not sure we would have understood them anyway—they were having a little trouble communicating, what with the choking laughter. They took what was left of the turkey—the burnt carcass and the still cold and wet chainsaw trimmings. They took the fryer too. They left the directions.

Thanksgiving dinner at St. Ann’s Hospital wasn’t so bad, but it wasn’t the best Thanksgiving ever.

Yes We Can!

In the spirit of invention and entrepreneurship that propelled our nation to the imagined position of “Leader of the Free World,” I offer the following flashes of genius in automotive design. These ideas required a good 20 minutes of semi-strenuous thought on my part. Production of any one of these beauties will revitalize our auto industry, salvage the environment, and offer the opportunity for true energy independence.

T. Boone Pickens—eat your heart out!

The Catafalque – a car that’s so small, extrapolation of your body after a wreck is impossible. After the coroner has notarized your death certificate (and scrap permit) your car serves its secondary purpose as a casket. Never mind that it was a minor fender bender—you’re stuck now. For those who prefer cremation, arrangements can be made through the now defunct Cash-for-Clunkers disposal program, where operators are standing by to assist you.

The Catafalque is offered in simulated woodtones of mahogany, maple, or walnut, and is appointed with a comfy satin interior. For a few extra bucks, you can special order one that sports your favorite NASCAR racing team’s logo.

The Bumper Car – Similar in size to the Smart Car, but without all that muscle under the hood. The Bumper Car is fashioned after the amusement ride of the same name. The main principal behind the efficiency of this vehicle is that kinetic energy of other vehicles is used to propel you to your destination. After your initial acceleration to the vehicle’s top speed of 6 mph, other (enraged) drivers are encouraged to give you an aggressive, self-satisfying nudge with their vehicle in order to jettison you down the road, or at least out of their way.

A few problems with the bumper car include the fact that the car doesn’t really respond to the movements of the steering wheel, and it tends to get bunched up with other Bumper Cars.

The China Syndrome – Don’t let the name fool you, this car will be 100% American made. The design of this nuclear powered vehicle is loosely based on a 1958 Ford concept car called the Nucleon. The car offers a handy, cab-forward design that safely places occupants several inches from that bothersome radiation.

Now, I can already hear all of you tree-hugging-greenies screaming about the nuclear waste, but that’s the beauty of this car! You see, in Ohio alone we have plenty of existing nuclear waste we can employ for the propulsion of these vehicles. Near the city of Fernald is a defunct uranium processing plant with billions of pounds of waste material, and an underlying aquifer that offers over 200 acres of water that’s so atomically charged, anyone who drinks it pees bright green for the next 25 years!

Of course, I momentarily considered solar or wind-powered vehicles. This is out of the question for my home state of Ohio, at least. The wind here is unreliable, and we would look silly driving around with those big fan-blades on top of our cars. Then there’s the dark cloud of depression-and-doom that moves in to block the sun and curtain our sky from November until March. Wintertime use of a solar powered vehicle would require a pedal option—something that we in Ohio are just not fit to utilize.

So there you have it, a plan for the future if ever I made one up. Say it with me—Yes, we can!

1958 Ford Nucleon Concept Car

Sharpshooters, and such

For years, owners of woodland, cropland and rural landscapes have suffered the ravages of whitetail deer. Now, the deer are encroaching on our urban neighbors and at last: “Something must be done!”

I’ve long considered how we can manage this problem. Not all these ideas have been tested; however, existing ideas (like birth control for deer) haven’t worked, so I’m hopeful that some of these suggestions will prove to be effective and worthwhile.

1) Arm residents with shovels: Part of me admires the 75-year-old Euclid, Ohio woman who killed a deer in her yard with a shovel. How many of us can list that among our accomplishments? Mind you, it was a very young deer. Still, that woman’s got grit!

As a practical matter, the majority of deer are more astute than the one she clocked. Few of us will ever get close enough to use a shovel—or any other garden implement, for that matter.

2) Recruit PETA: Just threatening a deer eradication campaign should be enough to bring a backlash from the wild-eyed, frothy mouthed, wackos at PETA.

I can see it now: PETA protesters coming by the busload, doctor’s permission slip in one hand and medication in the other. They’ll carry signs, block traffic—maybe spill barrels of fake deer blood into the streets before being bused back to the cracker factory.

After a day or two of such nonsense, the most humane among us will be compelled to take up arms. Against the deer, I mean. With no deer, PETA has no cause for which to fight… right? It’s the only legal recourse.

Alternately, we could throw deer estrus on the protesters and watch the show as they attempt to ward off the amorous attentions of the male deer population—ethically, of course. This does nothing to solve our deer problems, but the PETA problem would be momentarily quelled.

3) Release wolves on the urban fringe: This isn’t anything new. At one time, wolves were common throughout Ohio. It may take a few years for them to get the deer under control, but these predators will do it. This tactic could help with the raccoon and feral cat problem, as well!

Keep an eye on the family pets, though, unless you have a pet bear… or wolverine—they can probably take care of themselves.

4) Issue special permits for hunting along roads and highways: The Department of Transportation has placed those deer crossing signs all over the place. All a hunter should have to do is sit near one of those signs until a deer comes loping up to cross the road at the legally designated crossing.

For less experienced hunters, the sign will provide a convenient reference for what a deer looks like, should there be any confusion.

5) Sharpshooters: Place sharpshooters in some of the homes that have been abandoned as a result of the nation’s mortgage crisis. The sharpshooters would have to prove they are competent, by pointing out which is the business end of a gun.

When they’ve bagged their deer, they can leave the meat for the squatters who have taken up residence in the house—win-win, except for the deer… and maybe the surrounding neighbors.

Perhaps the best idea takes me back to where I started this manifesto. Better birth control; not for the deer, but the rest of us. There may be some benefit in the thinning of our herd, as well.

Village Tools

As an arborist, I’m regularly called upon to assess trees in neighborhoods around Central Ohio. The nature of my work has allowed me to identify a number of personality types that are common from one neighborhood to the next. For those of you who may also have to deal with persons exhibiting these territorial idiosyncrasies, I share the following profiles, and offer advice for dealing with each of them.

Know-it-All – This person won’t hesitate to approach you and tell you how to get the job done. Never mind that they don’t know who you are or what you’re up to—they’ve got an opinion and they can’t wait to share it with you. You’ve spent hundreds, perhaps thousands of hours learning your craft; but the Know-it-All feels compelled to enlighten you with knowledge he has gleaned from an article in the March 1962 edition of Popular Mechanics magazine, or the waitress at Waffle House. Your best tactic for dealing with the Know-it-All is to smile, a big smile, and exclaim repeatedly, “No English!”

Not in My Backyard - They circle, timidly at first, as they repeatedly whine, “Excuse me! Excuse me!” or “May I help you?” You think: “Not unless you go into your house and never speak to me again—that would help me, otherwise... no!”

This person (usually female) is the most territorial of the group, and feels great anxiety that you are so near her home, no doubt up to something that will have a negative impact on her home’s value. You can get rid of this antagonist by looking over at her house and asking, “Who’s that in your back yard?” If she returns (after not finding anyone there), excitedly exclaim, “They’re they are again!” She’ll stay put.

Conspiracy Theorist – Your role in their drama is to listen as the Conspiracy Theorist shares their suspicions regarding the real reason the neighbor across the street is having a new concrete patio installed. You can get rid of the Conspiracy Theorist by telling him you’re on undercover assignment and that you need his help in keeping an eye on Mrs. Not in My Backyard

Fuss-Budget – It doesn’t matter what you’re working on or the level of professionalism you bring to the task; the Fuss Budget will question your intentions, thoughts and deeds with a worrisome look and fretful tone. It’s recommended that you kill her cat so she has a legitimate reason to fret.

Contrarian – Once the captain of her high school debate team, the Contrarian is similar to the Know-it-All. Convinced that she is the repository of vast sums of knowledge, she listens to your pleasant (though apparently careless) conversation, waiting for the opportunity to tell you you’re wrong, explain why you’re wrong, and then step back with a triumphant look in her eye as she awaits your rebuttal. The best method for dealing with a Contrarian is to make a statement in response (any statement will do), and then yell: “I win!” and run away.

Skulker – This person won’t approach you right away; they may not approach you at all. Your first hint that they’re nearby will be a sensation that you’re being watched. The Skulker is especially good at casting disapproving looks in your direction, or staring through you as if you don’t really exist. You can shoo the Skulker away by slinging the Fuss-Budget’s dead cat at her

So there you have it. These techniques work most of the time, but aren't guaranteed. It's good policy to carry a stick with a sharp point on the end... just in case!