Sharpshooters, and such

For years, owners of woodland, cropland and rural landscapes have suffered the ravages of whitetail deer. Now, the deer are encroaching on our urban neighbors and at last: “Something must be done!”

I’ve long considered how we can manage this problem. Not all these ideas have been tested; however, existing ideas (like birth control for deer) haven’t worked, so I’m hopeful that some of these suggestions will prove to be effective and worthwhile.

1) Arm residents with shovels: Part of me admires the 75-year-old Euclid, Ohio woman who killed a deer in her yard with a shovel. How many of us can list that among our accomplishments? Mind you, it was a very young deer. Still, that woman’s got grit!

As a practical matter, the majority of deer are more astute than the one she clocked. Few of us will ever get close enough to use a shovel—or any other garden implement, for that matter.

2) Recruit PETA: Just threatening a deer eradication campaign should be enough to bring a backlash from the wild-eyed, frothy mouthed, wackos at PETA.

I can see it now: PETA protesters coming by the busload, doctor’s permission slip in one hand and medication in the other. They’ll carry signs, block traffic—maybe spill barrels of fake deer blood into the streets before being bused back to the cracker factory.

After a day or two of such nonsense, the most humane among us will be compelled to take up arms. Against the deer, I mean. With no deer, PETA has no cause for which to fight… right? It’s the only legal recourse.

Alternately, we could throw deer estrus on the protesters and watch the show as they attempt to ward off the amorous attentions of the male deer population—ethically, of course. This does nothing to solve our deer problems, but the PETA problem would be momentarily quelled.

3) Release wolves on the urban fringe: This isn’t anything new. At one time, wolves were common throughout Ohio. It may take a few years for them to get the deer under control, but these predators will do it. This tactic could help with the raccoon and feral cat problem, as well!

Keep an eye on the family pets, though, unless you have a pet bear… or wolverine—they can probably take care of themselves.

4) Issue special permits for hunting along roads and highways: The Department of Transportation has placed those deer crossing signs all over the place. All a hunter should have to do is sit near one of those signs until a deer comes loping up to cross the road at the legally designated crossing.

For less experienced hunters, the sign will provide a convenient reference for what a deer looks like, should there be any confusion.

5) Sharpshooters: Place sharpshooters in some of the homes that have been abandoned as a result of the nation’s mortgage crisis. The sharpshooters would have to prove they are competent, by pointing out which is the business end of a gun.

When they’ve bagged their deer, they can leave the meat for the squatters who have taken up residence in the house—win-win, except for the deer… and maybe the surrounding neighbors.

Perhaps the best idea takes me back to where I started this manifesto. Better birth control; not for the deer, but the rest of us. There may be some benefit in the thinning of our herd, as well.